Sunday, June 8, 2008


its SO fucking hard
at this point i'd rather take a firehose..i know those didnt last forever...
god man. im trying so hard to stay strong. ive never had to try before..theres NEVER been an issue that could break me..fuck everything. nothing gets to me. its easy to say right? but fuck that. i make sure i stay strong. it isnt hard to..the reason? is because life is too short for dumbshit. and im not even being one of those lifes enthusiasts. i just dont let shit get to me because i know that IM still alive. and until that stops happening.
anything that doesnt kill me is just another bump on the road! fck man. its nothing.
but god...this is....unreal... i dont someone could have such hatred toward someone shes never really gotten to know..up until now..ive never thought into it for the sake of my composure..but i cant do this..its been 19 years and ive never had someone just..-not like- me so passionately..its really is.. i didnt do anything man. from the beginning. and its way past the getting in trouble with the parents for something small and them acting like it was major and me Begging! 'i didnt do anything!!!'....i really didnt! this shit hurts so bad man..ive never felt this..i mean im crying for christ's sake...i under stand trials n tribulations..but come on..i mean..
come on..if there is a god...then why so intense? its past a point where theres a lesson to be im just being beaten..
and im not exaggerating...
this is how it feels..

but further on when the camera is turned away and you can hear sandman murdering spiderman..

i feel so helpless..if i had a chance..i would 1st build the courage. and then write a letter.. at this point..i know it wont help...but god man..i havent even been able to get a word in..this is Such an unfair trial..
i just feel that if life Really is this way out there..then to hell with living. seriously? it isnt worth it. its not worth it at all because if one person is this passionate then there are another million out there that are if not the same..worse! and i wish to never come into contact with them..i hope that i never work for someone that has something against me or 'my kind' as passionately as this..its so unfair.. and i Completely understand to the Fullest extent that 'life isnt fair, deal with it' but do i deal with this? yes, i can turn the other cheek..its been 4 months..shit man my cheeks are getting eyes are getting blackened and my teeth are being shattered..
and im not feel THAT bad inside..i dont show an ounce of it because then she's completely won..
i cant let her win..i cant..i cant let her win..
it isnt worth it.. aside from the fact that i fall for her daughter deeper and deeper everytime she smiles..aside from that...i must prevail..failure is not an option..
im a pretty pushoverable person..but i wont be put through the ground..
i cant quit..

but then the otherside of me is furious..

this fucking bullshit has got to be a fucking joke.
but it isnt. and its fucking disgusting. disGusting, shes the person that stands for everything i speak passionately about when i bother to speak about racism. fucking scum. who the fck are you to judge a whole race, or even just a person. from past experiences? or anything else to that matter. i dont care what "my people" represent. fuck that. fuck them in that case. fuck them for playing to the stereotype and giving all of the others a shitty look.
i have been made one of those 'shitty others' that are nothing like the ""average"". but still get judged with them.
fuck that. thats stupid and unfair and i hate that its going on. i'd really, rather not live. its not worth it..i feel that i am someone that some other people should be like when it comes to certain offenses, and situations. i cant be a role model because no one publicly looks up to me. but ill still be one for myself, so that i can show/teach someone how to become a stronger and more tolerant person inspite of all the bullshit differences in this world. i just want.....peace in my own circle..
and i cant have that..
this one is for and about me because i am being broken..

i just apologized to my girlfriend for speaking my mind..

what am i?
who am i?