Sunday, April 13, 2008

April 13, 2008

im so empty right now..
with everything i need..
you ever just...Need to talk to your mom yanno?
i need that right now. but shes sleep..haha and although she NEVER hesitates for a Second to wake me not one to disrupt.

here i am..
blogging because its been some time and my deserve an update..
im not really in the mood to type right now..i should prolly talk into a voice recorder because thats most relevant right now..haha amd its cool to go back and read/listen to shit from forever ago. haha logging...

i dont really want to talk about it but people need to know because im pretty done talking about it..and just..done

my biological mother died 2 saturdays ago.
the woman that gave me life. the person i get my humor, smile, walk, run, sleeping habits, happiness and many other features from.
people know that we didnt have much of a relationship..
but we did..wasnt much..but there was still something.
i still told her i loved her at the end of every phone call that would take place every few months..
for the last 19 years..ive watched her go thru HELL. with everything...Everything
sometimes she would talk to me for hours..just talk in circles..something else i get from her. haha but anyways..
she would just talk about issues..haha she knew everybodies problems in our family and she'd just talk about em. i never had any when it came to her because i didnt like talking..she was so behind i just never spoke to her like a regular person..well..towards the end..but anyways
a while back i realized that for making it all this way..shes a pretty strong woman for still living..and dealing with..Life in shitty as it always was or got..
she still lived and i completely respected that and i always thought about calling and telling her that because i know that would help..
i never did..
its too late now..
im not beating myself up over it or nothing..i just know where i fcked up.
im not blaming myself or anything just aware of things i could have done to help..
shes gone now..
she died in her sleep.
fell asleep at 1p, someone went to check on her at 9p and no response.
the end...
i know the rest of the story but im just done telling it..
i just dont want to hear 'im sorry' anymore..i just dont.
im sure i sound selfish right now but done. im fine. im greatful of all condolences from every and anyone but im just done..
and she is SO much better off..SO much.just..better..she no longer has to deal with the bullshit this life/world throws at her.

and life has gone back to normal again..

im talking to tamari(e) right now and its cool to know that were still cool after all the bs we've been through. haha alot. but anyways. im telling her my problems..i NEVER do that with anyone..but hey, i am only human yanno. haha

i hate my job. its trash and im more than greatful of my 20 hours.
ive been denied to my face like 3 times about the hours.
'you did not ask for 20 hours! you just got cut'
yeah, im sure of it.
40 hour checks pay the bills and thats all that counts.
i dont eat anyways. hahahah ;)
haha so yeah..i have time lately now america because im done feeling like i live there and am tired of bustin my ass and no thanks.
ill prolly get over it come summer though. haha blah

i still have a girlfriend america.
2 months now.
YAYUHHH. longest relationship yet for me. haha whew! going tha DISTANCE!!!!

so im still laying here..of course.haha
alone. untired. bored.
but fine with it. i have good mind control. i dont support depression.

so yeh..these last 2 weeks have been something else america. and i realized that ive lost touch with a bunch of people...but am fine with it..the rotation is always changing..
i also havent had the time and work and FUCKING school just ALL in the fucking way. i had NO time to think.
but i did it..

i started this blog to do alot of venting and complaining and whining..
but damn..i just dont want to.
i need a good cry...i didnt get one at the funeral because alot was going on in my mind..i was so conflicted.
i HATE funerals i really srsly do...but then what kind of monster would i be had i not shown up?
shouldnt i WANT to go, and pay/show my respect?
no. i dont like funerals. i dont even want one for myself whenever my time comes.
i dont want preaching and boring music.
i want happiness and laughter.
and thats for serious.

im done with this blog. this probably wont go public

i love my new phone :))))