independance

at the end of the day.
all you have is yourself..
of course you have friends n family along the way..but if your somewhat like me..
they'll NEVER know whats TRUELY going on in your mind..
i scare myself sometimes with the bullshit that goes on up there.. i wish there was a way to just show....
nah
ha.eff that. too much..
i relate to my sister angie SO much its boggling..and thats why when i tell people that im prolly gona lose it some day..
i dont say it just because my sibilings are..slightly off..
but because i relate to my sis angie the Most and shes the most..-out there-
it would only make sense...
now im not being negative! i think its kinda funny. but its pretty serious..
shes paranoid to hi heaven. haha but better safe then sorry man..and shes in the sorry state. and being safe to prevent any more -sorry- and i learned that early..
trust no one..you just cant..everones diff.
now!
i trust ppl. just not with some tings. and im entitled to that!
everyone is..

my current background on my page is that of vanilla skies...
there so gorgeous..at yesterdays game..i was sittin on the bench. and i see the clouds..
they were identical to these

that picture is so gorgeous..theres this one by the same artist..its a metaphorical disaster..and i found it online..and its called 'metaphorical journey'
..">
that picture is..wordlessly amazing.. i sat and stared at it for 30 minutes at the aladdin..and eventually i was just like damn..i dont get it..hahaha but its still beautiful..and theres so much meaning to it..
fck art!


which brings me to my next thought..
while i was driving home from the aladdin that day because ash suddenly had a diff. ride home.
i realized..
i think i enjoy being at a location on the strip..alone.
SO MANY people..every second.and btwn now and sometime last november...i find myself spending many hrs walking..somewhere on las vegas blvd. if not outside the in one of the casinos just walking.minding my own and smiling back at the ones that smile at me..life is so diff when alone and in such an environment..
in my home area..i cant go somewhere w.o random complete conversation being made..i love the Best of both worlds. absolute silence on the strip
and being treated as an equal around home..
i go down to smiths and do my shopping n what not and acknowledge that there are others in the building and when i go to check out..one of the people ive made eye contact with. looks up at me, smiles and then ask's where i got my hair cut..
i tell him asif ive known him years just where,how, and who and evin how i came to meet my barber.
we discuss all of the details and its established that, that will be the next place they get there hair cut, by the same female.
and then its a handshake and a smile and off..asif we'd just bumped into eachother.. i love it..
i love being easy to talk to..
because (back to the strip..) i see people that just have that look....that -fuck you,/dont bother me- look and i Bet..theyre as open as i am..you just gota take that extra step to initiate convo..which i dont do.
ha..
im in control

ok So! its Monday June 04, 2007 at 3:32 am

and im still alive
still kickin
still witty
still jokin
still smiling
still Bangin
Still cant sleep
still being me..
Danny Ray

so im listenin to jack johnson..
and i have seen progression in the past month of my life..
progress in certain areas..i Wish i could just..remember all of the shit that i think and that goes on in my mind..i  think of some amazing shit man..and then forget 30 seconds later..
i havent written in about a month..on paper
i really should soon.. the results are diff..

so..i seen that homeless person again..the one i named Geno..im changing his name because it no longer fits..
im thinking..
Flint..
so anyways...
your Going to think im psychotic for doing this but...

thats him.. you gota understand..during school when i would Randomly see him thru the week. ALL in different locations along with the time he sat Right next to me and steph at mc donalds one day before school...
that was The area. around the cheyenne campus. so from prolly from feb til may
i Always seen him around there. and then today..he walked by my 7-11...it was..just..weird..like..what are the odds that SAME homeless person shows up as often as he does in the most Randomest of places...but thats not evin why im going on..i dont know..that guy isnt like the norm..as i said above..when we were at mc donalds..the guy sat down and ate..peacefully to his own..didnt bother anyone..didnt Look like life was shit..just kept to himself..and whenEver i see him..it just doesnt look like his life fuckin sucks..like ALL of the homeless people i see..and i admire that. fuck it. i do. maybe hes out of his mind and doesnt know any better..but fuck it. of everything i DONT notice in life..i notice that. and yeh..it cant be easy to hold your head up while your homeless. and thats not evin judging..thats being logical.. owell..

moving on.
my love-life is..
bachelorishly garbage
still that of a bachelor haha fuck it. i have complaints but i already aired those out a few blogs ago...

making banana pancakes, pretend like its the weekend now.

so im playing baseball again..its been Great man..my bodies never ached so much in my life..but theres no way im quittin. aint worth it. one last season to soak it all up man. and then its either sign up for the the league where they play 30-40 yr olds or softball..ewh. hahahaa

anyways..
my first serious -confrontation-....now as you all should know by now..if you dont then wtf.
im a laid back person..i dont give a fck..i dont do confrontation man. why? im gona explain why.
in my mind..im Always right..as ive explained in past blogs. i think about everything before i do/say. evin if its uneducated..its a decision i made. so when someone says something thats completely wrong..alot of the time ill just let it go..let em go on or ill joke on it and then prove em wrong when they try to argue..which gets to the point. i dont speak up for sake of arguement. well Real/Serious arguement..some people will argue something that theyre completely wrong about and that can lead to something bad..not necessarily life ending but just..uneasy. and i dont like uneasy..i dont do akward. fuck all that.
and when i Do argue something. its mostly with someone i know good/well so right or wrong its just for the hell of it. whatever..
so if that made any sense..then there ya go..if not..then you can just observe or whatev..

so the other day my brother chris (Not the one that plays ball. the Next black one adopted b4 me)..the one with the most problems..i swear i love the guy..but Everything that can go wrong..just does with him man..im gona start with the latest. this week his girl and his kids are in georgia for 2 weeks.
its just him..and later on this week his car broke down..so he can hardly get to work on time and he doesnt have much money..
and then on top of all that..the man runs out of food..
no car/food/money idk bout you but fuck life at that point!
my mother..whom all/most of you should know by now
packs up 1/3 of the kitchen and sends me down there to make the drop.
leme tell you. it got her worked up in the process. had her in tears n shit and impatient
well after she packed the shit. she was all arguin n rushin me....i dont like to be rushed. fuck it. i was gona say i dont like to be pointlessly rushed but i just dont like it period..its rude. im Gona get it done and if its important then ill be there on time! but this situation Didnt matter. his ass wasnt goin nowhere annd i wasnt evin runnin late! i hear her yell "its done..HURRY!' but the tone..the tone just pissed me off. so by the time i get to the kitchen she passes me and says 'you'll do anything just to be awrnry..old school for 'a Dick' and so i say. forget it! You take it then. your pissed at the WRONG person. and shes like 'will you JUST GO!' so i say 'ok im out! ill see you tomoro. i aint comin home with you all like this' and i left..
so were on uneasy terms because of this little..fuss.
i drop the food off and he thanks me dearly..i could tell he was crying..bfd. it hurt to see..he tries he really does..it just sucks that he gets picked on by the man upstairs..
SO
the day passes

next morning..
hell...
i hear him yelling..(my bro)im like -oop! hes at it again- and i roll over to go back to sleep and i see reese walk by..and i realize he's never seen this..so im like shit..and i get up and go to the front room to once again witness something thats been going on for at least..5 yrs now? just doesnt happen as often anymore so we were just shaking it off. he'd say something comPletely off the walls and were like ok man shit just leave.
he leaves
comes back and says More off the walls shit
slams the door
leaves.
comes back
the process repeats for a good 15-30..

well...this last time he comes back
its the same
-you dont understand what i go thru. no one understands me. i hate my life. you guies dont know what its like.- and so on
and so i go to my room..i can tell its dying down..
and my mom says -oh sure we dont! we havent for the last 5 yrs youve been saying this shit- and hes like -fuck you. you guies are such horrible parents- and storms out..

thats where it starts
me-oh FUCK that shit!
mom&dad-oh shit. danny no!

i go outside
me- man..who the FUCK sent you food last night?
bro-fuck you! dont you fuckin start!
me-thats Fuckin bullshit! there the best parents you could EVER have been blessed with. quit bein such a bitch!
him- FUCK YOU! YOU DONT FUCKIN UNDERSTAND! NOBODY AROUND HERE LOVES ME!
me-FUCK THAT SHIT! MOM SENT HALF OUR GODDAMN KITCHEN TO YOU LAST NIGHT MAN THATS ALL LOVE MAN
him-man FUCK YOU!
throws a little water bottle at me. somehow all the waters got me covered
me- MAN WHO THE FUCK DROVE THAT FUCKIN FOOD TO YOU!
I COULDA SAID FUCK IT AND LEFT YOU TO DIE!
him- 'gets in my face' FUCK YOU!
me- MAN YOUR FUCKED! IM DONE
-i attempt to push him away-
he doesnt budge
so i slide in the garage and let the door close
he kicks it..pretty damn good
str8 contact with my thumb.

and hes gone.
over..

i actually spoke up.
i didnt plan on doing/saying what i did..something just came over me..
im ALWAYS in control. and i wasnt for those 2 seconds of whatever took me outside
and i was back in control as soon as i started talkin.

it amazed me..it proved to me that i can actually perform when on the spot in a confrontational situation like that..
now dont get the idea that things are crazy around here..things were back to normal 10 min. after all that.
im fine. and so is he


its 4:12
and its dark and jack johnson is calming..
i wish i could sleep on command like a few ppl i know..but then..i guess i should be greatful for being..knocturnal..
i come up with some interesting ideas..at these obscene times of the..night/morning
and people like the shit i come up with..



thats just further inspiration to keep on..being me

Danny Ray..

it is 4:22 am
and
i admire you for reading..
thank you..
have a nice day
i appreciate you!

Heh...

i try not to whine as much as i can about females..
but this shits gettin outa hand..
i must be cursed..
sheesh..


how many times can a kid get stood up..boldfaced..in a goddamn week..by more then one person!
Wow son! i need to Go somewhere with that!