wana know somethin?

yesterday is the past
tomoro is a mystery
but today.. is a gift

tHE End..
thanks for your time!

SO its 12:34 Feburary 5th, 2007

and im laying here...
been here since 10:30..not online..but fucking laying and thinking....
thats SO the worst...
but in the midst of all that thinking and what not..it hit me that i havent done one of these blogs in a while..
the whole 'its feb 5 at 12am.' blah..type shit..and i think those are my most fav. blogs to type...
cuz i just type whats on/goin thru my mind that i feel the public is ok to be informed on..stuff for the subscribers arent normally visible to the public..
annyways..
i have school in some hours..and well..bfd (big fuckin deal) haha
ive taken a liking to that saying lately..anyways.
schools cool..i like it..isnt too hard. still challenging to an extent.. annd when i graduate i'll grad with 3 degrees..only because theyre all 3 like 6 classes more then the orig gfx design one that im goin for..
bleh..
im lonely. still.
its so bad.
on i think it was what..sat? fri or saturday im gettin ready to go out and my moms is all
-so when are You gona get yourself a girlfriend dan?
-i dont know ma..somethins wrong with me. no one is/seems interested
-my dad throws his 2 in 'girls are trouble!'
-i know dad..but im bored man, i need some trouble! haha
-moms is all. yeah? well..i dont know go to parties meet new girls show them your handsome smile
-i do ma' but whatever im doin just aint good enough
-well..the right one will come along and no one else will matter
-yeah i know ma
-pop (jokingly speaking) 'you dont need no girl dan! theyre expensive and mean and they get into bad moods and fight
-yeah i know dad..haha i know man..

its was a funny to me..but damn..ya know?

moving on..
travis mcCoy of gym class heroes (the mc) is a verbal Genius..i think i look up to him..
bleh
'i'm like nine minutes away from finishing my nine hour shift
and wishing i was gone nine hours ago
'cause nine hours wasted
tossin' back the chicken
i could've written nine verses just in time for the show
slacker mind state retirin' on time that's borrowed
my motto's i'll stop procrastinatin' tomorrow
i took the sorrow from the windchimes
left happiness lonesome and strung up sarcasm to make the melody wholesome
from my lungs to my feet i'm breathing
everything i speak but now they're charging for oxygen
and the bills due next week
i'll be a day late and a buck short
story of my life
i wish my pay rate was much more
duckin' swords in a rat race
i didn't apply for running towards something that's fake
and thinking, why for? they're shutting doors right in my face
and sitting high horse is a car and a dope place something to die for
this is my war

I FUCKING HATE FUCKING COMPUTERS
i just lost 30 minutes of FUCKING TYPING BECAUSE OF STUPID SHIT.

so fuck..i dont evin know where i started..

(^that looks soo schitzophrenic.. my computer froze up on me and i was pretty much done typing so i had to type this all over again)


ok..so..
my weekend..

friday-basketball game..had to show my love for a few ppl mostly just one person..not really any others..and then we went to kims kickback/bbq
which turned out successful..and the night ended amazing..
saturday-i did jackshit..until that night, where i went to jackieboos party and had a hell of a time. haha it was awesome i must say..
and then tooday
sunday-super bowl sunday..bigtime party w0o it was great.but i dont really like watching football..its garbage. i'd MUCH rather play it..i was the shit for a little while..until politics came into play..owell tho the favored player is now very successful and playing in college n what not..haha anyways i totally got buzzed at the party (from alcohol) and life is great when your buzzed. haha i feel so..me. haha i really dont care when im buzzed. haha i mean i dont care sober to an extent..but buzzed..im just out there. haha
annyways.. i am here now..laying..HELLA FUCKING PISSED! i typed some GOODshti out..
anyways..haah yeah
so..
friday night i was driving someone home and we were having great conversation..tends to happen in my car..haha and like always..my career choice comes up...its pretty pitiful to me that i still dont know what i wana be..but..i guess its ok according to everyone else..not hating just..its not helping haha..dont get me wrong though! i mean everyone spits there suggestions of what they could see me doing..'graphic artist' 'computer repair' 'this n that..' blah..i appreciate every suggestion its just..i dont know..none of those seem....i dont know! haha i dont know myself..i dont know why i think what i think or why i think it..just..none of it strikes me as acceptable..although they are pretty successful..and thats all i really want in life..success and happYness..and hell..im nowhere near that at THIS second..but im sure ill reach it sometime in life..
annnnyways. ahha yeah..so we were talking and she says to me..'just do you..do you and get paid, i'd pay'...america...when she said that.. all i could say was..damn..yeah.... and more ....
its like..when she said that..i was so ready to have my counter action or simple agreement..but i didnt..all i could do was think..
do me...do me and make a living..i love being me..im an entertainer..i can put smiles on peoples faces..and i love it and i do SO much more than that..its just figuring out how..and what...i was so amazed.. i just wanted to drive with her forever and..i dont know be further enlightened haha but damn..
out of everything out there that's SO cool to do..i'd rather do in my free time or as a hobby..dont get me wrong..theres no escaping the system or corporate america..as much as i say fuck the system! or fuck the corporation..cuz its all bullshit..i would SO rant about how i feel about all of that but i dont feel strongly enough to go on about it right now so i wont..haha im an idiot..
but yeah..i do understand that i cant escape it so either way ill still have to get a job..which just isnt going my way..its like i did something wrong..haha but i got some advise tonight about a few things i can do..
anyways..im still typing..ive typed this shit out twice now..the 1st draft was SOOO much better..goh..fuck computers..theres no escape..haha anyways..
its 1:32 and im layin here..my eyes are FINALLY burning..i layed down at punkass 10:30...and it is now 1:32..i hope this now helps you understand why i stay up so late....
i guess..to escape myself?
im most definitely my own worse enemy..its like..my mind cant wait til its next chance to attack and unravel everything thats built up in it..i hate it...almost depressing..haha but depression isnt me. waste of time..
so yeah..
im gona leave this blog on the note of

figureing out how i can..
do me and make a good living..



thank you for reading..i always appreciate it..you know..
g'night

bestfriendship

i dont know how to start it. haha. im just laying here knowing what i want to say but not what to say.haha
i say 'im not looking for bestfriendship'
im not..i dont need it. i mean i have a few friends that are HIIGHHH up there
but not exactly blaine jimmy and megan
i mean those 3..wow..
theres NO way......you can relive or go thru or just..experiance all that we have in the 5 years that we've gone thru together..we dont all talk much now but compared to what we all went thru in those years..theres no way its over.

i mean..i couldnt imagine somebody else taking there position..theres no way
'irreplaceable' but really.
whoelse would i want to talk to everynight as much as i did with megan about the irony of our love lives and what not..shes one of the few that know EVERYTHING about me.. and just..everything


or going 2 years of being a str8 nice asshole to someone..making life a bit harder for him to defending and standing by him for the next 2 over the same bs that i was doing for those 2 years prior and being the best of friends you could imagine and standing by him 100% when things got Real hard to deal with..and following along with the newest obsticles life throws at him and watching him overcome it and SOOO much more
yeah the hell right!


and Jimmy..wow..haha man..

theres just SO much..
and i wouldnt take back a second of any of it..those people helped me so much..im so greatful for them. i miss them so much now..but things'll HAVE to change..'ts only right.

thats not all i had to say..its just really uneasy to type..i dont really know why. it was all so simple when i was thinking it.. but i felt i had to type what i could just..because

Vanilla Sky Quotables

theres just SO many..i had to blog it for quick access






My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I'm an idiot... who knows he's about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can't. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works...

Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

the sweet is never as sweet without the sour,

Most of us live our whole lives... without any real adventure to call our own

What is any life without the pursuit of a dream?

Look at us. I'm frozen and you're dead, and I love you.

My father wrote about this in his book. Chapter 1... Page 1... Paragraph 1: What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?... Money.

It's been a brilliant journey of self-awakening. And now you've simply got to ask yourself this: What is happiness to you, David?

Doc, once you've been driven off a bridge at 80 miles an hour, somehow you don't invite happiness in without a full body search.

mortality as home entertainment?

Do you love me? I mean really love me. Because if you don't... I'll just have to kill you.

2006..

by far the best year of my life..
damn near perfect i'd say. i gained and lost alot.
its life. but this year..so much life has happened..i kinda dont wana move on. if i could i'd SO repeat o6..if i had a 2nd go at it. everything would be perfect, as against it as i am. theres a few things i wouldnt mind changing relationship/friendship/life choice wise..but its ok! 'everything happens for a reason' i guess..haha ppl use that to get thru drama. haha ill call it a pacifier..
anyways . to everybody that is in my life at this point or has been or evin aquaintances. thank you.
i appreciate everyone in my life.
this blog has turned into one of those sappy thank you speeches.
but fuck it. haha what i have socially is something most ppl wish for or evin dream about.
anyways. yeah..next year..07..school for no reason..and hopefully a job that i wouldnt mind working at..hell a callback would be nice also. haha thats a diff note..
yuah. this year ive been closer to my parentals more then ever and im glad cuz you never know what you have til its gone. well i know what i have and im enjoying every moment i have with em.

ive also learned..im pretty much in this 'life' thing alone. which ive known that yi know..you cant really rely on anyone or anything but yourself when it comes to satisfaction in life. im very accepting i learned early in life from the bio father that its not the best to build your hopes up. its garbage if theres letdown and if not then its 10 minutes of bliss and life goes on. no depression or nothin im just stating how i see the situation of 'building your hopes up'

my fucking space bar isnt fucking working! its killing me!!!!!!

anyways. haha yeah ive learned SO much this year its hella crazy..i feel like im set for life but i know im not theres always so much more out there but right now...ppl have no idea..haha for the last few months..ive been playing ppl mentally..its out of control..sounds bad but wow..im not saying im superior or nothing..but i ts wild..everybody around me is so predictable..its become.....i dont know..a challange? to see if they prove me wrong. i dont get proven wrong often. but im gona explain what im saying here..90% of conversations i have with ppl now..nothing is new. only words are different..barely reactions and meanings and sarcasm and simplicity and emotions..i see it all b4 it happens..which is why i most of the time say the right things. im gona admit it. i tell ppl what they want to hear. mostly females. but its because i'd rather avoid the guilt trip or the arguement or the question 'why' because i dont feel i should have to go thru that over and over again when a little white lie or evin a rightly worded no will work.
i dont know how ppl will take that but thats, hate it or love it either way its real. if it made any sense

also another thing ive learned about myself..
i know how to lie. now its not something i do. but if its serious and benefits whatever im doing it for..then ill commit to it. now when i say commit..that means i really have to consider doing it before i do it. cuz when i lie. im consistant with it.
________
if i lie to you. you wouldnt know.
i tested it. i told one of my darkest secrets to a friend. and she was soo suprised. i then told her i was kidding.... my secret has become a secret again
and it'll be that way forever.
the end.



i feel asif i'll be seen as psychotic for stating the past few things that i have above...haha fuck it! haha

randomness.....ive become prolly one of the most random(est) person you know as of now..i noticed myself..shits crazy i do what comes to 1st sometimes w.o consideration..i do it because well...it spices thigns up. ya know? as i stated above..things have become pretty predictable so if i see an oppertunity to change it up a little. im gona take it. the end


i feel i have leaked enough for the -not dan-(the public) to know..

but im gona go into one more thing..
relating to the 'im in this alone'
another thing ive tested on my friends..everyone minus me.needs someone to talk to. me being that person that understands everything basically because i put myself in your position and understand where your coming from whats happening and how your feeling..i can understand. shits awesome. i feel useful..
but for the life of me til recently and back to now. i dont talk about what goes on with me..
this person asked me today (via txt message) why im not a close person..
i told her its a waste of time to get close to others..i feel that way because well..i dont see a point in talking about past present or future events in my life because its boring..i dont remember my past ON POINT, my present life is always boring and my future well...i dont talk about that anymore because shit changes minutely and unless you have an rss feed on me..you may not find out until a month after its happened (hense the abercrombie hollister affair)
anyways.. i Dont tell my feelings..because well..i already know what your going to say. and when you say it (not speaking towards anyone in general) you sugarcoat or tell me what i want to hear. and i myself..*im my own worst enemy* i like that quote because well im more real with myself before anyone else. therefore i dont need to hear your little pep-talk that'll lead me on..no offense or anything

as a matter of fact
i hope none of this blog period is taken offensive. im just getting stuff out to the public..i guess..my mind. haha
anyways

yeah. i love my cat.