-if things dont work out- something i dread..
THEN i think i should be more compelled to just leave..
i need something to push me to NY
and maybe this'll do..
cuz i cant just be her friend..sorry charlie. shes too good to treat like a friend
leave me alone about it.
i just need this to have on record
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Fck Censory
Self Censory and Public Censory
and as far as what ive got to say about it.
fx Censory: but yi know.. i do it.
humans..america..people
im discluding myself when i say 'we' here..
we as humans cannot handle the full on truth. and i think its rediculas but its a way of life.
i keep it real but to an extent. and that extent is my conscience knowing how they'll take what i have to say. and so i alter my words.
its a shitty reality but what can i say..as for public censory..i hate it but it sux because we Have to do it.. without the blurring of some words or actions or there would be a lawsuit.. lawsuits are fucking garbage. shits not evin serious anymore. i wont go into that. i dont evin know where i was at..
all in all though..im not complaining. just expressing
censoring your words for a persons feelings is garbage.
the end
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=2421397&blogID=202876293&Mytoken=ECD6A624-BBEA-49DE-AB080224DDD80BF3120871204
i had to come back to this one because i notice that now i am doing it WAY more than ever and its fckn stupid. wth am i doing? BUT at the same time, i know just what i am doing.
fck it
and as far as what ive got to say about it.
fx Censory: but yi know.. i do it.
humans..america..people
im discluding myself when i say 'we' here..
we as humans cannot handle the full on truth. and i think its rediculas but its a way of life.
i keep it real but to an extent. and that extent is my conscience knowing how they'll take what i have to say. and so i alter my words.
its a shitty reality but what can i say..as for public censory..i hate it but it sux because we Have to do it.. without the blurring of some words or actions or there would be a lawsuit.. lawsuits are fucking garbage. shits not evin serious anymore. i wont go into that. i dont evin know where i was at..
all in all though..im not complaining. just expressing
censoring your words for a persons feelings is garbage.
the end
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=2421397&blogID=202876293&Mytoken=ECD6A624-BBEA-49DE-AB080224DDD80BF3120871204
i had to come back to this one because i notice that now i am doing it WAY more than ever and its fckn stupid. wth am i doing? BUT at the same time, i know just what i am doing.
fck it
Monday, July 14, 2008
i took one laast good look arooound
so many unusual sounds
whats up world.
its been a few months eh?
shit is well.
ive been wanting to blog or a few months now. haha but was never compelled..
i doubt this'll even be a good one. haha idk
wth's up?
im still me man, how about you? haha yeh
anyways..
the wifeology comes home in like 10 muddafckn hours! yayyaya im very excite! haha
man..april was like the last time i blogged? shhiiittt!!
haha so much so little its all the same.
im on my new
imac gFIZZLE!. so amazingly worth the Dough man. i tossed 4g of ram in this bitch with the AMAZING help from newegg. and i have 2 externals attached n what not. this bitch is a powerhouse. hahahahha im gonna stop referring to it as a bitch because it quite a nice device..hahahahahh anyways.
since the purchase i have become so much more productive in editing that im thinking about putting this blog on pause and then just posting everything ive edited/re-edited because i have learned over the course of the last few months that people actually enjoy my shit. and thats all i need to keep me goin..thank you to all that have said something positive about my 'pointless photography'. thats what i call it for now because i do it for -the people-
so anyways...im still workin at cshitty. its gettin pretty shitty there. but the people are more amazing than ever. they really are another family to tend to. haha yehh, i needa new job. and its crazy how att has ALMOST become another apple situation..shits crazy. hahah pretty cool..but then at the same time depressing. haha but moving on.
so ive been watching
and im in fckn season 6 part 2 and MAN oh Muthafckn MAN! this show is amazing!!!! hahahaah wooow SO well written..im prolly gonna wanna watch the whole series again after im done cuz now i Hella know alll thats going on man. SO amazing. hahaha its awesome to watch it now too that its all over, so i dont have to wait til nxt week to see a new epi. haaha YESS. ahha but nah. im thinkin im gonna get started on 30 rock after i finish the sopranos..haha tv is Fresh in HD. haha yehh..
so yeh.. whats the stitch? im listening to common, america..i love that guy. haha "no homo" that phrase is garbage. but pretty pop. thanks to lil wayney.
whelp im running out of unimportant things to talk about..haha
which brings me to whats Most important..
my goddess.
haha your All dying to meet her. i know. and i understand.
your time Will come! i promise! because she'll be around for my forever. haha and thats a guarantee until decided otherwise. shes the most definite keeper around these parts of the veg. haha, no really though, she is perfect quality grade A+ 100% woman. and im Madd lucky to have her. the shits crazy snig. she comes home tomorrow around noon and shes gonna spend time with her fam. the right thing to do. but tmoro night, if things go right she'll be mine for a little. and MAN! im gonna show her so much love. i have spent the last 2 weeks just trying to occupy my time with this, that, and the third and EVERYsingleTHING that i have done. she was on my mind. everything from sitting here editing, to watching shit, to cooking shit, to driving somewhere, to grocery shopping, to people watching, to Ultimately just hanging with friends..its funny, becuase for the last 2 weeks people ask me 'so how are you and your gf?' or 'so wheres your gf?" and im all 'effin Scotland yoe!!' theyre like wth? and then i explain that shes scottish and columbian and then its ALLL good from there :) haha. a Gorgeous mix she is. shit man, we have our little disputes. but shit ill be Damned if they dont make us THAT much stronger. granted us being THE strongest couple out there at the moment. ill stand by that statement with the certain stipulations that come into play that im Def. not getting into here. hahaa all im saying is, if you dont know, then dont worry about it :) haha. but anyways..ManohMan..that girl..she whispered that Astonishing 3 word combination, when she kissed me goodbye before she left and shit..i broke! haha
ALLLL that shit i talk about love and it being the devil and all that negative jazz.. well ill still talk it! haha but i Guarantee that im just telling you that to be humorous. haha because shit. im a sucker for love at the moment..the shit feels good and i am in love with Ms. Sarah E. Canon haha Yess! just like that..haha but shit..im not falling blindly here, thats for damn sure. i have had the last 6 years of my life to think about the right person for me, and everything there is to me allowing myself to fall in love with someone and man..that girl..My Dame :) haha, she is it. and i am greatful that i never rushed into anything with anyone for the sake of being burned out on love like many others that are out there..
shit. i feel bad, yanno? that fckn sucks. but all i have to say about that is, patience is everything there is to that. you cant go Find the person thats right for you.. just watch flavor of love and maybe you'll get what im saying?
nah. i doubt it. haha i just compared finding your 'one' to mthafckn flavor of love. haha but really. think about it. searching for the 'one' can be disastrous,uneventful and possibly deeply heartbreaking search, only to find out that its a SICK world out there and then lose faith that there isnt someone out there for you..
nah fck that. theyre there. they just dont know it, and you dont either. you just gotta let that shit happen..haha ok ok im done here. im not gonna sit n tell YOU how to live..haha were all different and im not one for dictation..although i live in america. hahahah
PFFFT!
Otherwise was Decided. in the beginning of august.
i lost out big time eh
(7-03-08)
watch it. and if you still stand by this country....
whelp. im not a politic. GO
YESSS! hahaha you wanna know what got my vote?
YESS! that-is-my-SHIT! hahahhahahahhahah
and then there was the monumental
WHEW! my man barack.. haha. so yeh..i am voting for him because hes hip. otherwise, i dont really care.
oh no! maybe you should read it again? because i dont. it isnt a big deal to me. but like i tell myself before ever getting into it, im no politic.
i digress :)
hahaha
so i started this blog at 2:20 am, and it is now 4:13 and i have found myself going back and editing a buncha shit for this slideshow that i am soon to present to you folks :)
its nothin amazing..i see now that i only have like 40 pics? thats kinda daffy, but owell. my collection shall build..
yeh..
so fish lake is coming up pretty soon..and i actually dont want to go this year..and im really leaning towards not doing so..haha but at the same time i feel guilty, and would rather avoid the shit that i will get for the next 2 years of my life for deciding against it. yeh im a pushover. but i dare you to take advantage ;) haha
BUT on the flip...the photology would be MAD Ill if i were to actually take this trip..so far that is the only benefit of doing so..other than that..the family..but thats not much of a benefit anymore because its all..idk..paper smiles and bland conversation and opportunities to do work on my open box phenom that doesnt exist anymore..haahahha ok ok my fam isnt horrible or anything! im greatful to have em all..but when it comes to fam events..i think im just gonna find something else to do.. haha but then at the same time..my brother is the shit. hahahh i love that man. i never really realized up until recently that, that man plays a MAJOR part in my life, although i only see him but once or twice ever week or so. but man its like the ice cream man! hahaah
hahahah ok its not that serious..but at the same time. haha i Love his presence.. man.
hes 12 years older than me right? haha so back in the day..he was 17, and i was 5..and he was going thru his hs years, and i was up and coming....and we had to sleep in the same bed n shit..hahaha maan oh man..he had funny relationships..
but i digress..haha
so dude! check out this myspace app
http://www. myspace. com/music_app
its bloody brilliant to me because i like that people can see what im listening to at this very moment. haha idk. it keeps me goin like a snickers..
haha...so yeh..hmm....
whats up america? nm here, you?
whos all excited for school coming up?
im sure not! hahaha
i actually Really dont want to go back, and am still debating..
so im thinking ill fill the fafsa, and if they send money then ill think about taking a class, and if not, then i wont go..
i Really Really dont want to go back..its such an inconvenient waste of time..i know i said all this last semester, but now that i think about it..i hate doing stuff i dont want to and this is something that i feel pretty strongly about. haha idk. its just a waste..i dont know what i want to be! i dont want an associates in graphic design, or photography or many others. i understand! people want to see me excel in photography. but at the same time..i have come to realize now that photography is an art,
even for people like me that arent SUPER FCKN 1337 at the shit like http://bobbityjones.deviantart.com/
and someday i Will make money from it. But for now.
practice makes perfect ;) and i have a Major issue with being told what to take pictures of, Despite my 'style' and then having to be critiqued on it. i LOVE criticism. it can Only make you better. but then in that situation..its like..telling Andy Warhol
to draw some shit thats more of a Van Gogh type of ordeal. now im not comparing myself to ANYTHING NEAR any of them. but the situation, i feel relates easiest to that. and i dont support the pursuit of something that tells me that im Certified in the art of such. yanno?
shit i say ~if you got it, then you got it~
but til then. im still gettin it. haha
BUT! at the same time..i dont wana be looked down upon, or disappoint anyone in that sense
and be looked at/thought of as a quitter.
now you all know me. i could give a fuck less what you think. unless your some people.
so its all whatever. BUT when it comes to college..i feel..idk. i feel that it makes folks feel warm at the hear to hear that a young black man is in college and doing something for his future, and im not being stupid. i really have seen a difference in reaction from people when they hear that im in school as oppose to hearing someone else declare that they are..
but then i have also realized that they all tell me its ok that i dont know what i want to be..
but in reality, the shit isnt ok. im chasing a dream that doesnt exist. haha but then ALSO at the same time. i accepted the fact that i dont have a dream 2 whole years ago when i realized that life isnt that serious to Make myself find something that i think ill like doing in the future, and then Chase that and concur it. that aint me man. i like living and life is what im gonna do.
what does life consist of? breathing and thinking, and then you expand from that.
breathing is something i am greatful of for the 20 years ive been known. and as far as thinking?
shit. i think that i would do exCeptional, working for a corporation that is
. i like everything about em. even the iphone, which i dont care too much for. Dont get me wrong, its an amazing phone. but its not all that.
moving on.
haha i have been trying to get into at&t since i was 16 and i am now damn near 20 and i know that i dont have what it takes to pass that pesky personality quiz. i know right?
haha so its not in my hands. it really isnt. the one thing i want most right now, is in someone else's hands and im not gonna push them because hes a big brother to me just like my big bro..hahah but his best friend.. SO anyways..im stuck at ccity with hopes to get a txt or a call from the big guy with good news.
until then!
im interested in a bank job. haha i reached out to megan, that would be call.
and fedex kinkos seems like a funny place to work. therefore i apply every couple months. haahha Damn i suck at getting jobs..
ive only gotten 1 of my 3 on my own, and you know which that was?
hollister. hahah im SURE you can guess why that was cake..
aww..i miss the domino days
:) hhaha what a young bitch i was..hs was Everything
:/
OMG
so i seen jimmy n meg last night. aMAZING. haha it felt so good. blainer was busy, but hey. we'll get em next time.
they waited like 2 fckn hours in the ccity pkg lot for me while i had a store meeting after 8. wtf right? haha but yeah man. we kicked it at the 24 hour starbucks and damn..that was great. much needed time spent with 2 vip in my life coming up.
SO. wheres that leave me? i think i have taken care of all the going on's from the last 3 months? shit..but im gonna think about it.
haha. so i love my blackjack 2 right?
haha i promise i love it! but its time for a new one..mines been dropped a bit too much..
and as a heads up on my nexty :DDD
the Whackberry Bold. hahha
it doesnt come out til later on this year.
but hey! thats what the bidness is. hahaha
yeh..call me spoiled. i work for all this shit so blow on these Dice!
oOH oooh OOH!!!!!
:DDDD YESSS!!!!!!!! WERE ALL VERY EXCITE!! the Whole psg WILL be getting down. i will do work. hahahah
man..
im still a bitta of a nerd..quite prouda it also :)
and speaking on that subject :)
heres some apparel that i am currently interested in investing, but i prolly wont for the time being.
so for starts :@
i know, i know
fresco.
illerr
DEF!
i consider this one cultured..hahahahaha
and my fav. of 2008!
YESS!
and dont you Dare tell me im not! :)
haahaha
kk
so yeah...thats where the interest currently lies..
maybe that'll be my next creddy purchase after the imac is paid in full. ahhaha
oh dont GET me into the credit talk :)
haha i love that shit..
leme tell you man. im getting closer to that amx. haha but i must admit
is quite pleasing!
i wont discuss my score because im not gonna be an asshole about it. but the interest rate i have but is YAYUHHHH status. haha 3.9!!!! shhiiiit i went from 21 to 18 to 3? i love this shit. hahahaa so yeah man. a Sick paying new job is all that is needed and ill be ON the way towards that tundra :)) hahaha and a prius for the gal ;)) hahahhahaa okokok
ive gone on too long here. you guies have a day to live!
alrighty then!
iloveyou all. thank you for living and being a part of my life somehow, being that you've read this. i appreciate you for taking the time annnd i will TRY to keep you all more updated than 3 months deep. haha it isnt fair to you or myself, because it Will be amazing to come back and read all this in 10 years n sht..haha
alright..
til next time :)
later days dood
whats up world.
its been a few months eh?
shit is well.
ive been wanting to blog or a few months now. haha but was never compelled..
i doubt this'll even be a good one. haha idk
wth's up?
im still me man, how about you? haha yeh
anyways..
the wifeology comes home in like 10 muddafckn hours! yayyaya im very excite! haha
man..april was like the last time i blogged? shhiiittt!!
haha so much so little its all the same.
im on my new
imac gFIZZLE!. so amazingly worth the Dough man. i tossed 4g of ram in this bitch with the AMAZING help from newegg. and i have 2 externals attached n what not. this bitch is a powerhouse. hahahahha im gonna stop referring to it as a bitch because it quite a nice device..hahahahahh anyways.since the purchase i have become so much more productive in editing that im thinking about putting this blog on pause and then just posting everything ive edited/re-edited because i have learned over the course of the last few months that people actually enjoy my shit. and thats all i need to keep me goin..thank you to all that have said something positive about my 'pointless photography'. thats what i call it for now because i do it for -the people-
so anyways...im still workin at cshitty. its gettin pretty shitty there. but the people are more amazing than ever. they really are another family to tend to. haha yehh, i needa new job. and its crazy how att has ALMOST become another apple situation..shits crazy. hahah pretty cool..but then at the same time depressing. haha but moving on.
so ive been watching
and im in fckn season 6 part 2 and MAN oh Muthafckn MAN! this show is amazing!!!! hahahaah wooow SO well written..im prolly gonna wanna watch the whole series again after im done cuz now i Hella know alll thats going on man. SO amazing. hahaha its awesome to watch it now too that its all over, so i dont have to wait til nxt week to see a new epi. haaha YESS. ahha but nah. im thinkin im gonna get started on 30 rock after i finish the sopranos..haha tv is Fresh in HD. haha yehh..so yeh.. whats the stitch? im listening to common, america..i love that guy. haha "no homo" that phrase is garbage. but pretty pop. thanks to lil wayney.
whelp im running out of unimportant things to talk about..haha
which brings me to whats Most important..
my goddess.
haha your All dying to meet her. i know. and i understand.
your time Will come! i promise! because she'll be around for my forever. haha and thats a guarantee until decided otherwise. shes the most definite keeper around these parts of the veg. haha, no really though, she is perfect quality grade A+ 100% woman. and im Madd lucky to have her. the shits crazy snig. she comes home tomorrow around noon and shes gonna spend time with her fam. the right thing to do. but tmoro night, if things go right she'll be mine for a little. and MAN! im gonna show her so much love. i have spent the last 2 weeks just trying to occupy my time with this, that, and the third and EVERYsingleTHING that i have done. she was on my mind. everything from sitting here editing, to watching shit, to cooking shit, to driving somewhere, to grocery shopping, to people watching, to Ultimately just hanging with friends..its funny, becuase for the last 2 weeks people ask me 'so how are you and your gf?' or 'so wheres your gf?" and im all 'effin Scotland yoe!!' theyre like wth? and then i explain that shes scottish and columbian and then its ALLL good from there :) haha. a Gorgeous mix she is. shit man, we have our little disputes. but shit ill be Damned if they dont make us THAT much stronger. granted us being THE strongest couple out there at the moment. ill stand by that statement with the certain stipulations that come into play that im Def. not getting into here. hahaa all im saying is, if you dont know, then dont worry about it :) haha. but anyways..ManohMan..that girl..she whispered that Astonishing 3 word combination, when she kissed me goodbye before she left and shit..i broke! haha
ALLLL that shit i talk about love and it being the devil and all that negative jazz.. well ill still talk it! haha but i Guarantee that im just telling you that to be humorous. haha because shit. im a sucker for love at the moment..the shit feels good and i am in love with Ms. Sarah E. Canon haha Yess! just like that..haha but shit..im not falling blindly here, thats for damn sure. i have had the last 6 years of my life to think about the right person for me, and everything there is to me allowing myself to fall in love with someone and man..that girl..My Dame :) haha, she is it. and i am greatful that i never rushed into anything with anyone for the sake of being burned out on love like many others that are out there..
shit. i feel bad, yanno? that fckn sucks. but all i have to say about that is, patience is everything there is to that. you cant go Find the person thats right for you.. just watch flavor of love and maybe you'll get what im saying?
nah. i doubt it. haha i just compared finding your 'one' to mthafckn flavor of love. haha but really. think about it. searching for the 'one' can be disastrous,uneventful and possibly deeply heartbreaking search, only to find out that its a SICK world out there and then lose faith that there isnt someone out there for you..
nah fck that. theyre there. they just dont know it, and you dont either. you just gotta let that shit happen..haha ok ok im done here. im not gonna sit n tell YOU how to live..haha were all different and im not one for dictation..although i live in america. hahahah
PFFFT!
Otherwise was Decided. in the beginning of august.
i lost out big time eh
(7-03-08)
watch it. and if you still stand by this country....
whelp. im not a politic. GO
YESSS! hahaha you wanna know what got my vote?
YESS! that-is-my-SHIT! hahahhahahahhahah
and then there was the monumental
WHEW! my man barack.. haha. so yeh..i am voting for him because hes hip. otherwise, i dont really care.
oh no! maybe you should read it again? because i dont. it isnt a big deal to me. but like i tell myself before ever getting into it, im no politic.
i digress :)
hahaha
so i started this blog at 2:20 am, and it is now 4:13 and i have found myself going back and editing a buncha shit for this slideshow that i am soon to present to you folks :)
its nothin amazing..i see now that i only have like 40 pics? thats kinda daffy, but owell. my collection shall build..
yeh..
so fish lake is coming up pretty soon..and i actually dont want to go this year..and im really leaning towards not doing so..haha but at the same time i feel guilty, and would rather avoid the shit that i will get for the next 2 years of my life for deciding against it. yeh im a pushover. but i dare you to take advantage ;) haha
BUT on the flip...the photology would be MAD Ill if i were to actually take this trip..so far that is the only benefit of doing so..other than that..the family..but thats not much of a benefit anymore because its all..idk..paper smiles and bland conversation and opportunities to do work on my open box phenom that doesnt exist anymore..haahahha ok ok my fam isnt horrible or anything! im greatful to have em all..but when it comes to fam events..i think im just gonna find something else to do.. haha but then at the same time..my brother is the shit. hahahh i love that man. i never really realized up until recently that, that man plays a MAJOR part in my life, although i only see him but once or twice ever week or so. but man its like the ice cream man! hahaah
hahahah ok its not that serious..but at the same time. haha i Love his presence.. man.
hes 12 years older than me right? haha so back in the day..he was 17, and i was 5..and he was going thru his hs years, and i was up and coming....and we had to sleep in the same bed n shit..hahaha maan oh man..he had funny relationships..
but i digress..haha
so dude! check out this myspace app
http://www. myspace. com/music_app
its bloody brilliant to me because i like that people can see what im listening to at this very moment. haha idk. it keeps me goin like a snickers..
haha...so yeh..hmm....
whats up america? nm here, you?
whos all excited for school coming up?
im sure not! hahaha
i actually Really dont want to go back, and am still debating..
so im thinking ill fill the fafsa, and if they send money then ill think about taking a class, and if not, then i wont go..
i Really Really dont want to go back..its such an inconvenient waste of time..i know i said all this last semester, but now that i think about it..i hate doing stuff i dont want to and this is something that i feel pretty strongly about. haha idk. its just a waste..i dont know what i want to be! i dont want an associates in graphic design, or photography or many others. i understand! people want to see me excel in photography. but at the same time..i have come to realize now that photography is an art,
even for people like me that arent SUPER FCKN 1337 at the shit like http://bobbityjones.deviantart.com/and someday i Will make money from it. But for now.
practice makes perfect ;) and i have a Major issue with being told what to take pictures of, Despite my 'style' and then having to be critiqued on it. i LOVE criticism. it can Only make you better. but then in that situation..its like..telling Andy Warhol
to draw some shit thats more of a Van Gogh type of ordeal. now im not comparing myself to ANYTHING NEAR any of them. but the situation, i feel relates easiest to that. and i dont support the pursuit of something that tells me that im Certified in the art of such. yanno?shit i say ~if you got it, then you got it~
but til then. im still gettin it. haha
BUT! at the same time..i dont wana be looked down upon, or disappoint anyone in that sense
and be looked at/thought of as a quitter.
now you all know me. i could give a fuck less what you think. unless your some people.
so its all whatever. BUT when it comes to college..i feel..idk. i feel that it makes folks feel warm at the hear to hear that a young black man is in college and doing something for his future, and im not being stupid. i really have seen a difference in reaction from people when they hear that im in school as oppose to hearing someone else declare that they are..
but then i have also realized that they all tell me its ok that i dont know what i want to be..
but in reality, the shit isnt ok. im chasing a dream that doesnt exist. haha but then ALSO at the same time. i accepted the fact that i dont have a dream 2 whole years ago when i realized that life isnt that serious to Make myself find something that i think ill like doing in the future, and then Chase that and concur it. that aint me man. i like living and life is what im gonna do.
what does life consist of? breathing and thinking, and then you expand from that.
breathing is something i am greatful of for the 20 years ive been known. and as far as thinking?
shit. i think that i would do exCeptional, working for a corporation that is
. i like everything about em. even the iphone, which i dont care too much for. Dont get me wrong, its an amazing phone. but its not all that.moving on.
haha i have been trying to get into at&t since i was 16 and i am now damn near 20 and i know that i dont have what it takes to pass that pesky personality quiz. i know right?
haha so its not in my hands. it really isnt. the one thing i want most right now, is in someone else's hands and im not gonna push them because hes a big brother to me just like my big bro..hahah but his best friend.. SO anyways..im stuck at ccity with hopes to get a txt or a call from the big guy with good news.
until then!
im interested in a bank job. haha i reached out to megan, that would be call.
and fedex kinkos seems like a funny place to work. therefore i apply every couple months. haahha Damn i suck at getting jobs..
ive only gotten 1 of my 3 on my own, and you know which that was?
hollister. hahah im SURE you can guess why that was cake..
aww..i miss the domino days
:) hhaha what a young bitch i was..hs was Everything
:/
OMG
so i seen jimmy n meg last night. aMAZING. haha it felt so good. blainer was busy, but hey. we'll get em next time.
they waited like 2 fckn hours in the ccity pkg lot for me while i had a store meeting after 8. wtf right? haha but yeah man. we kicked it at the 24 hour starbucks and damn..that was great. much needed time spent with 2 vip in my life coming up.
SO. wheres that leave me? i think i have taken care of all the going on's from the last 3 months? shit..but im gonna think about it.
haha. so i love my blackjack 2 right?
haha i promise i love it! but its time for a new one..mines been dropped a bit too much..
and as a heads up on my nexty :DDD
the Whackberry Bold. hahha
it doesnt come out til later on this year.
but hey! thats what the bidness is. hahaha
yeh..call me spoiled. i work for all this shit so blow on these Dice!
oOH oooh OOH!!!!!
:DDDD YESSS!!!!!!!! WERE ALL VERY EXCITE!! the Whole psg WILL be getting down. i will do work. hahahah
man..
im still a bitta of a nerd..quite prouda it also :)
and speaking on that subject :)
heres some apparel that i am currently interested in investing, but i prolly wont for the time being.
so for starts :@
i know, i know
fresco.
illerr
DEF!
i consider this one cultured..hahahahaha
and my fav. of 2008!
YESS!
and dont you Dare tell me im not! :)
haahaha
kk
so yeah...thats where the interest currently lies..
maybe that'll be my next creddy purchase after the imac is paid in full. ahhaha
oh dont GET me into the credit talk :)
haha i love that shit..
leme tell you man. im getting closer to that amx. haha but i must admit
is quite pleasing!i wont discuss my score because im not gonna be an asshole about it. but the interest rate i have but is YAYUHHHH status. haha 3.9!!!! shhiiiit i went from 21 to 18 to 3? i love this shit. hahahaa so yeah man. a Sick paying new job is all that is needed and ill be ON the way towards that tundra :)) hahaha and a prius for the gal ;)) hahahhahaa okokok
ive gone on too long here. you guies have a day to live!
alrighty then!
iloveyou all. thank you for living and being a part of my life somehow, being that you've read this. i appreciate you for taking the time annnd i will TRY to keep you all more updated than 3 months deep. haha it isnt fair to you or myself, because it Will be amazing to come back and read all this in 10 years n sht..haha
alright..
til next time :)
later days dood
Sunday, June 8, 2008
-blank-
its SO fucking hard
OMFG
at this point i'd rather take a firehose..i know those didnt last forever...
god man. im trying so hard to stay strong. ive never had to try before..theres NEVER been an issue that could break me..fuck everything. nothing gets to me. its easy to say right? but fuck that. i make sure i stay strong. it isnt hard to..the reason? is because life is too short for dumbshit. and im not even being one of those lifes enthusiasts. i just dont let shit get to me because i know that IM still alive. and until that stops happening.
anything that doesnt kill me is just another bump on the road! fck man. its nothing.
but god...this is....unreal... i dont understand...how someone could have such hatred toward someone shes never really gotten to know..up until now..ive never thought into it for the sake of my composure..but i cant do this..its been 19 years and ive never had someone just..-not like- me so passionately..its scary..it really is.. i didnt do anything man. from the beginning. and its way past the getting in trouble with the parents for something small and them acting like it was major and me Begging! 'i didnt do anything!!!'....i really didnt! this shit hurts so bad man..ive never felt this..i mean im crying for christ's sake...i under stand trials n tribulations..but come on..i mean..
come on..if there is a god...then why so intense? its past a point where theres a lesson to be learned..now im just being beaten..
and im not exaggerating...
this is how it feels..
but further on when the camera is turned away and you can hear sandman murdering spiderman..
i feel so helpless..if i had a chance..i would 1st build the courage. and then write a letter.. at this point..i know it wont help...but god man..i havent even been able to get a word in..this is Such an unfair trial..
i just feel that if life Really is this way out there..then to hell with living. seriously? it isnt worth it. its not worth it at all because if one person is this passionate then there are another million out there that are if not the same..worse! and i wish to never come into contact with them..i hope that i never work for someone that has something against me or 'my kind' as passionately as this..its so unfair.. and i Completely understand to the Fullest extent that 'life isnt fair, deal with it' but man..how do i deal with this? yes, i can turn the other cheek..its been 4 months..shit man my cheeks are getting bruised..my eyes are getting blackened and my teeth are being shattered..
and im not exaggerating..it feel THAT bad inside..i dont show an ounce of it because then she's completely won..
i cant let her win..i cant..i cant let her win..
it isnt worth it.. aside from the fact that i fall for her daughter deeper and deeper everytime she smiles..aside from that...i must prevail..failure is not an option..
im a pretty pushoverable person..but i wont be put through the ground..
i cant quit..
but then the otherside of me is furious..
this fucking bullshit has got to be a fucking joke.
but it isnt. and its fucking disgusting. disGusting, shes the person that stands for everything i speak passionately about when i bother to speak about racism. fucking scum. who the fck are you to judge a whole race, or even just a person. from past experiences? or anything else to that matter. i dont care what "my people" represent. fuck that. fuck them in that case. fuck them for playing to the stereotype and giving all of the others a shitty look.
i have been made one of those 'shitty others' that are nothing like the ""average"". but still get judged with them.
fuck that. thats stupid and unfair and i hate that its going on. i'd really, rather not live. its not worth it..i feel that i am someone that some other people should be like when it comes to certain offenses, and situations. i cant be a role model because no one publicly looks up to me. but ill still be one for myself, so that i can show/teach someone how to become a stronger and more tolerant person inspite of all the bullshit differences in this world. i just want.....peace in my own circle..
and i cant have that..
yes.
this one is for and about me because i am being broken..
i just apologized to my girlfriend for speaking my mind..
what am i?
who am i?
seriously?
OMFG
at this point i'd rather take a firehose..i know those didnt last forever...
god man. im trying so hard to stay strong. ive never had to try before..theres NEVER been an issue that could break me..fuck everything. nothing gets to me. its easy to say right? but fuck that. i make sure i stay strong. it isnt hard to..the reason? is because life is too short for dumbshit. and im not even being one of those lifes enthusiasts. i just dont let shit get to me because i know that IM still alive. and until that stops happening.
anything that doesnt kill me is just another bump on the road! fck man. its nothing.
but god...this is....unreal... i dont understand...how someone could have such hatred toward someone shes never really gotten to know..up until now..ive never thought into it for the sake of my composure..but i cant do this..its been 19 years and ive never had someone just..-not like- me so passionately..its scary..it really is.. i didnt do anything man. from the beginning. and its way past the getting in trouble with the parents for something small and them acting like it was major and me Begging! 'i didnt do anything!!!'....i really didnt! this shit hurts so bad man..ive never felt this..i mean im crying for christ's sake...i under stand trials n tribulations..but come on..i mean..
come on..if there is a god...then why so intense? its past a point where theres a lesson to be learned..now im just being beaten..
and im not exaggerating...
this is how it feels..
but further on when the camera is turned away and you can hear sandman murdering spiderman..
i feel so helpless..if i had a chance..i would 1st build the courage. and then write a letter.. at this point..i know it wont help...but god man..i havent even been able to get a word in..this is Such an unfair trial..
i just feel that if life Really is this way out there..then to hell with living. seriously? it isnt worth it. its not worth it at all because if one person is this passionate then there are another million out there that are if not the same..worse! and i wish to never come into contact with them..i hope that i never work for someone that has something against me or 'my kind' as passionately as this..its so unfair.. and i Completely understand to the Fullest extent that 'life isnt fair, deal with it' but man..how do i deal with this? yes, i can turn the other cheek..its been 4 months..shit man my cheeks are getting bruised..my eyes are getting blackened and my teeth are being shattered..
and im not exaggerating..it feel THAT bad inside..i dont show an ounce of it because then she's completely won..
i cant let her win..i cant..i cant let her win..
it isnt worth it.. aside from the fact that i fall for her daughter deeper and deeper everytime she smiles..aside from that...i must prevail..failure is not an option..
im a pretty pushoverable person..but i wont be put through the ground..
i cant quit..
but then the otherside of me is furious..
this fucking bullshit has got to be a fucking joke.
but it isnt. and its fucking disgusting. disGusting, shes the person that stands for everything i speak passionately about when i bother to speak about racism. fucking scum. who the fck are you to judge a whole race, or even just a person. from past experiences? or anything else to that matter. i dont care what "my people" represent. fuck that. fuck them in that case. fuck them for playing to the stereotype and giving all of the others a shitty look.
i have been made one of those 'shitty others' that are nothing like the ""average"". but still get judged with them.
fuck that. thats stupid and unfair and i hate that its going on. i'd really, rather not live. its not worth it..i feel that i am someone that some other people should be like when it comes to certain offenses, and situations. i cant be a role model because no one publicly looks up to me. but ill still be one for myself, so that i can show/teach someone how to become a stronger and more tolerant person inspite of all the bullshit differences in this world. i just want.....peace in my own circle..
and i cant have that..
yes.
this one is for and about me because i am being broken..
i just apologized to my girlfriend for speaking my mind..
what am i?
who am i?
seriously?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
April 13, 2008
im so empty right now..
with everything i need..
haha
you ever just...Need to talk to your mom yanno?
i need that right now. but shes sleep..haha and although she NEVER hesitates for a Second to wake me up...im not one to disrupt.
anyways...
here i am..
blogging because its been some time and my people...you.. deserve an update..
im not really in the mood to type right now..i should prolly talk into a voice recorder because thats most relevant right now..haha amd its cool to go back and read/listen to shit from forever ago. haha logging...
anyways..
i dont really want to talk about it but people need to know because im pretty done talking about it..and just..done
my biological mother died 2 saturdays ago.
the woman that gave me life. the person i get my humor, smile, walk, run, sleeping habits, happiness and many other features from.
people know that we didnt have much of a relationship..
but we did..wasnt much..but there was still something.
i still told her i loved her at the end of every phone call that would take place every few months..
for the last 19 years..ive watched her go thru HELL. with everything...Everything
sometimes she would talk to me for hours..just talk in circles..something else i get from her. haha but anyways..
she would just talk about issues..haha she knew everybodies problems in our family and she'd just talk about em. i never had any when it came to her because i didnt like talking..she was so behind i just never spoke to her like a regular person..well..towards the end..but anyways
a while back i realized that for making it all this way..shes a pretty strong woman for still living..and dealing with..Life in general..as shitty as it always was or got..
she still lived and i completely respected that and i always thought about calling and telling her that because i know that would help..
i never did..
its too late now..
im not beating myself up over it or nothing..i just know where i fcked up.
im not blaming myself or anything either..im just aware of things i could have done to help..
shes gone now..
she died in her sleep.
fell asleep at 1p, someone went to check on her at 9p and no response.
the end...
i know the rest of the story but im just done telling it..
i just dont want to hear 'im sorry' anymore..i just dont.
im sure i sound selfish right now but hell..im done. im fine. im greatful of all condolences from every and anyone but im just done..
and she is SO much better off..SO much.just..better..she no longer has to deal with the bullshit this life/world throws at her.
and life has gone back to normal again..
im talking to tamari(e) right now and its cool to know that were still cool after all the bs we've been through. haha alot. but anyways. im telling her my problems..i NEVER do that with anyone..but hey, i am only human yanno. haha
anyways.
i hate my job. its trash and im more than greatful of my 20 hours.
ive been denied to my face like 3 times about the hours.
'you did not ask for 20 hours! you just got cut'
yeah, im sure of it.
40 hour checks pay the bills and thats all that counts.
i dont eat anyways. hahahah ;)
haha so yeah..i have time lately now america because im done feeling like i live there and am tired of bustin my ass and no thanks.
ill prolly get over it come summer though. haha blah
i still have a girlfriend america.
2 months now.
YAYUHHH. longest relationship yet for me. haha whew! going tha DISTANCE!!!!
so im still laying here..of course.haha
alone. untired. bored.
but fine with it. i have good mind control. i dont support depression.
so yeh..these last 2 weeks have been something else america. and i realized that ive lost touch with a bunch of people...but am fine with it..the rotation is always changing..
i also havent had the time though..family and work and FUCKING school just ALL in the fucking way. i had NO time to think.
but i did it..
i started this blog to do alot of venting and complaining and whining..
but damn..i just dont want to.
i need a good cry...i didnt get one at the funeral because alot was going on in my mind..i was so conflicted.
i HATE funerals i really srsly do...but then what kind of monster would i be had i not shown up?
shouldnt i WANT to go, and pay/show my respect?
no. i dont like funerals. i dont even want one for myself whenever my time comes.
i dont want preaching and boring music.
i want happiness and laughter.
and thats for serious.
im done with this blog. this probably wont go public
ps.
i love my new phone :))))
with everything i need..
haha
you ever just...Need to talk to your mom yanno?
i need that right now. but shes sleep..haha and although she NEVER hesitates for a Second to wake me up...im not one to disrupt.
anyways...
here i am..
blogging because its been some time and my people...you.. deserve an update..
im not really in the mood to type right now..i should prolly talk into a voice recorder because thats most relevant right now..haha amd its cool to go back and read/listen to shit from forever ago. haha logging...
anyways..
i dont really want to talk about it but people need to know because im pretty done talking about it..and just..done
my biological mother died 2 saturdays ago.
the woman that gave me life. the person i get my humor, smile, walk, run, sleeping habits, happiness and many other features from.
people know that we didnt have much of a relationship..
but we did..wasnt much..but there was still something.
i still told her i loved her at the end of every phone call that would take place every few months..
for the last 19 years..ive watched her go thru HELL. with everything...Everything
sometimes she would talk to me for hours..just talk in circles..something else i get from her. haha but anyways..
she would just talk about issues..haha she knew everybodies problems in our family and she'd just talk about em. i never had any when it came to her because i didnt like talking..she was so behind i just never spoke to her like a regular person..well..towards the end..but anyways
a while back i realized that for making it all this way..shes a pretty strong woman for still living..and dealing with..Life in general..as shitty as it always was or got..
she still lived and i completely respected that and i always thought about calling and telling her that because i know that would help..
i never did..
its too late now..
im not beating myself up over it or nothing..i just know where i fcked up.
im not blaming myself or anything either..im just aware of things i could have done to help..
shes gone now..
she died in her sleep.
fell asleep at 1p, someone went to check on her at 9p and no response.
the end...
i know the rest of the story but im just done telling it..
i just dont want to hear 'im sorry' anymore..i just dont.
im sure i sound selfish right now but hell..im done. im fine. im greatful of all condolences from every and anyone but im just done..
and she is SO much better off..SO much.just..better..she no longer has to deal with the bullshit this life/world throws at her.
and life has gone back to normal again..
im talking to tamari(e) right now and its cool to know that were still cool after all the bs we've been through. haha alot. but anyways. im telling her my problems..i NEVER do that with anyone..but hey, i am only human yanno. haha
anyways.
i hate my job. its trash and im more than greatful of my 20 hours.
ive been denied to my face like 3 times about the hours.
'you did not ask for 20 hours! you just got cut'
yeah, im sure of it.
40 hour checks pay the bills and thats all that counts.
i dont eat anyways. hahahah ;)
haha so yeah..i have time lately now america because im done feeling like i live there and am tired of bustin my ass and no thanks.
ill prolly get over it come summer though. haha blah
i still have a girlfriend america.
2 months now.
YAYUHHH. longest relationship yet for me. haha whew! going tha DISTANCE!!!!
so im still laying here..of course.haha
alone. untired. bored.
but fine with it. i have good mind control. i dont support depression.
so yeh..these last 2 weeks have been something else america. and i realized that ive lost touch with a bunch of people...but am fine with it..the rotation is always changing..
i also havent had the time though..family and work and FUCKING school just ALL in the fucking way. i had NO time to think.
but i did it..
i started this blog to do alot of venting and complaining and whining..
but damn..i just dont want to.
i need a good cry...i didnt get one at the funeral because alot was going on in my mind..i was so conflicted.
i HATE funerals i really srsly do...but then what kind of monster would i be had i not shown up?
shouldnt i WANT to go, and pay/show my respect?
no. i dont like funerals. i dont even want one for myself whenever my time comes.
i dont want preaching and boring music.
i want happiness and laughter.
and thats for serious.
im done with this blog. this probably wont go public
ps.
i love my new phone :))))
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